Well, did the EMG on my throat, and there is nerve damage on the left side... the worse outcome out of the two. I told him about the family history and everything, he said that without biopsing the nerve there is no way of knowing what caused it and you can guess that I wasn't going to do that, it doesn't matter anyway, either way the outcome is the same. He said that it could have been something as simple as a virus of some kind that got into the nerve and damaged it. He said that I could wake up one day and have it back, but if it doesn't come back in two years...it won't ever. There's a therapist that he works with that only deals with singers that lose their voice. She's going to call me and work on some therapy that will hopefully help me reteach myself. But, if the nerves don't rejuvinate themselves I'll never have the voice I had before. The left side is the side that is damaged, it won'tcome all the way to the center and because of that the right has to compensate. That's why I can't control or predict it.
I don't know if I got my hopes up that it was muscular, that it would just be a matter of therapy and hard work and that I would have the voice I had before, that I would come out of this with a greater appreciation of what I was blessed with and that that would be the lesson learned. I really didn't think I would have nerve damage. I really didn't. Now, I feel like I've lost a part of myself, that I've lost my identity. I've lost my ability to express myself. That hurts more than I can express.
This doesn't mean that I accept any of it. I believe that I can do it, even if I have to relearn how to use it, or learn to use it in a different way, I can do it. I know that I can.
The bright side is at least knowing that this is what it is. Knowing feels better. Knowing is less frustrating.
Love you all.
11 Years
1 day ago
3 comments:
So very sorry to hear that it is nerve damage. I think you should give the therapy a shot... nothing to lose at this point. I imagine not being able to sing to your greatest past ability will always be emotionally difficult, but being able to sing primary songs with Connor would be priceless.
Thank you Grandma for your thoughts on the last post. Both the singing thing and the heart thing I knew about, but really didn't know any details. We (the younger generation) appreciate you sharing.
I'm certainly not a doctor, but when dabling in cutting edge public health research, the indications are that things we think of as negative genetic outcomes are often triggered by an environmental exposure (virus, chemical, stress hormone, etc). Because these environmental exposures are spread out over generations and there are so many mitigating factors, it is difficult to nail it down.
So, as Mari says, it may or may not be the case and it really doesn't change the outcome. But, I think it helps us get to know the older generation and brings a bond of shared experience which is really important on its own.
Mari. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say really. I really beleived, like you did, that it would be something different. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. We love you and are thinking and praying for you.
I'm really OK, I've decided that I can teach myself to compensate. I don't know if that is denial talking, or if its something that is realistic...I just know that I can't sit back and decide that that is life and that I'm just going to deal with that. I can do it, I can reteach myself, I know I can. No worries. I talked to the therapist again today and she said that I could do lots of exercises to force the muscles to relax which is a lot of the problem. Thanks for the support, Love you all
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